FPR Blog 66: Disappointments.

Disappointment comes in all forms.

It can come in the form of someone you trust letting you down. It can be in the form of a parent or a child. It can come from a job in the form of a boss or a co-worker.

You may think the worst is when it comes in the form of a broken heart by the one you love.

No matter what disappoints us in our life it all feels the same; pretty shitty.

The worst isn’t your love leaving you. It’s not even being let down by a parent. 

The worst disappointments for me come from me.

I have always been my biggest disappointment.

Truth, I’m my own worst enemy. I love the world more than myself. I have no excuse for the let downs and the fuck ups, yet I always find a way to understand the horrible things that happen. It’s not so much of an excuse as it is more a reason. Without reason, I would truly be lost.

I’m my biggest disappointment…

It’s not an easy thing to say, let alone write it on a blog for anyone to read. Either way, it’s not some huge secret that I am far from perfect. My reputation precedes me even after years of staying kept away indoors. I guess we can’t run from who we were, even though we often try to hard.

I’ve not spent my life making excuses for the heartache I’ve caused my family; wife and children, as well as my parents. People that love me know deep down inside I’m just wasting away. Time is passing me by and I can’t seem to break out of this shell I constructed.

I feel more isolated than ever before. I feel more of a letdown now than I did the last twenty years I numbed whatever pain I was afraid to gain from.

I’ve pretty much attached myself to a pole five years ago and have been twisting in the wind ever since.

Normally someone would be writing this as a proclamation for a change, yet I can’t proclaim anything at this point. All I know is what I feel and I can’t even explain that much…

I suppose isolation, disillusion, and confusion are on the short list, but disappointment tops it.

I do know I want out of this box I’ve built in my head I declared safe with no clear cut signs of it being so.

I don’t know where to go from here. I know what I’m supposed to do as a man, a father and a husband. I know whatever I have to do to survive and provide is what’s most important. It makes me feel trapped and completely afraid. For far too long I remained a child. The older I got the more childish and reckless I became.

Now here I sit decades later. So much time lost. So much time wasted. It’s not getting any better. I’ve maintained some kind of income and a low profile. This is only because it’s been a long low point in my life. 

I feel like I’m out of options and the rest of my short life will continue to be wasted.

I don’t know where I heard this and I don’t know if it’s entirely correct, but here it goes anyway.

The measure of a man is weighed by how he returns from a defeat. Whether he can accept it, learn from it and progress with the strength gained with the pain he suffered from it. Whatever ‘it’ is.

No, bullshit, I think I just made that up. Wow…

At least, I haven’t lost some sense of humor.

I hope the next time I pop in it isn’t a Morrissey song. Sorry about that, but lately all I feel like writing about are the personal feelings I’m currently dealing with.

Maybe sharing this with you is just my way of letting you know you’re not alone. I hope I’m not...

Thanks for reading... 

Blog by T. Clavero for Freedom Pop RadiO