FPR Blog 103: Assisted Suicide; What, Where and Why..?

Assisted Suicide…

I have a few questions about this issue.

Why does someone need assistance to commit suicide? 

You don’t see jumpers on a bridge or tall building asking to be pushed off.

I’m actually surprised that there isn’t an app for this yet. 

Is it a question of fear? 

You pussy... 

Grow a spine, un-plug a power cord and tie it to a strong pipe in your basement. Take the other end of said power cord wrap that end around your neck, nice and snug, like a shoelace. 

If you weren’t a Boy Scout and don’t know the proper way to make a knot then you should double up just to be sure. 

Oh and make sure it's not like a really long extension cord.

Ever see a bungee jumper who left way to much slack on the cord who upon descending just BAM hits the fucking concrete and splatters like a watermelon on a bit from a David Letterman show?

Yea well, that's not going to happen in this case. You’re just going to feel like even more of a failure who can’t even tell if something is to long to hang without touching the ground.

Now, whatever you used to climb up to reach the pipe… Kick that fucker right out from under you.

Basically you’ll drop hard then you’ll do a little light air tap dance… like playing air guitar. You may shake around a bit, like Michael J. Fox during a Parkinson’s attack, but I promise it will be short lived.

Then in a few seconds, you’ll just slowly swing side to side till mother and father find you.

Oh shit look, I just assisted in a suicide… Hopefully.

Let me not be a complete dick here. 

Maybe a person is in a lot of pain and can’t go through that process. It’s okay I have the solution…                    

Fentanyl… Apparently it’s a real killer.

Now this one is a delver…

If it’s a case of rules due to a certain religion, then I have a few more questions.

I understand that if you kill yourself then you do not pass purgatory, do not collect a toga, and definitely no wings…

Just a one way trip to hell.

Not for nothing but I think that's a rule that needs to be overturned or voted on… Whatever they do up there.

I mean, do the circumstances not matter?

Not everybody is a little bitch that can’t face the hardships of life.

Listen, If there’s anyone I know that should’ve ended themselves years ago, it would be me. I have every reason too, but I’m still standing here trying to make you all laugh with a horrifically morbid joke.

So if this in fact is the case, do people actually believe that their respective god created some Wall Street type of loophole for suicide?

Maybe they think they can pull a fast one on god. Like this white coat wearing individual with a stethoscope and large needle is here to give me a vitamin B shot not a lethal injection.

Could be they think god is blind and can’t see that someone is smothering you with a pillow. Maybe he can, but he’s so old he gets confused and thinks they were just fluffing up your pillow.

These are all questions I’ll never get answers to, because this joke just got me my one way ticket to hell.

Now I’ll never have that Q and A with Saint Peter. Damn that would’ve been a great interview.

Though I have to admit, if there really is a god, I hope he or SHE (#feminism) sends me too purgatory. Just seems like it’s more loose there.

Heaven and Hell seem way too extreme.

At the top, you have to follow certain rules, you spend all day and night floating around on a cloud. 

Can’t prank anyone or get a blowjob. 

Well that part I’m used to, so no major loss there.

At the bottom… First off it's fucking scorching down there. 

I imagine hell is like the worst, most scariest thing that a person has ever been through repeating over and over for all eternity.

Purgatory on the other hand, seems to have a little bit of both life styles.

Turn one corner and you’re wearing a yankees jersey in a Boston bar. Turn another corner and you’re in an ecstasy fueled orgy.

Like a firm, but fair and occasionally fun prison.

Well, my heart is starting to flutter and my left arm, all of a sudden hurts. I'm going to go now. Till the next time.

Thank you for your time and support.

'Blog by tasteless t for FreedomPopRadiO.com